Saturday, February 2, 2008


I've explained this to some of y'all individually so you can skip this if you want.

I first got into blogging because I was going through some changes in my life. A part of these changes was my trying to find my own voice. That was three years ago. Over the last three years, I like to think that I have (finally) learned to be the person who I want to be -- not the person who others tell me I should be. And I also know that while others may not agree with me, it does not diminish the fact that I am a good person.

At least once a year my family members and close friends tell me what a good person I am. A couple of weeks ago, Marin (owner of Dumb and Dumber) told me how good I was at staying in touch with people. I like to think that's my Cancerian nature. I recognize that people can be busy but it's important to me to keep in touch so I make the phone call or send the email. I also realize that I have trashed members of my family at times on this blog, especially my mother. Here's the thing. When I hit rock bottom in my 20s, my mother was one of the few people who stood by me. So no matter how much she drives me crazy now, I will always remember that in my darkest moments, she will be there for me. No matter how much I piss her off. And I know that I have done this. I'm pretty perceptive and can recognize a person's weak point. When I'm pissed off, I can go straight for that weak point. The guys at work has realized that I am not a person to be crossed. Fortunately, I believe in karma and all, so I try not to act upon my impulses. Because it all comes back threefold.

I have no doubt who I am at this point in my life. I'm the girl who questioned authority at every step. Who made the rule? Why do we have the rule? And sometimes I asked the question even if I did thought the rule was OK. Because I like knowing what makes people tick. (Growing up, I was saddened that the only famous person who shared my birthday was Edward VIII. In recent years, I have learned that I also share my birthday with Alfred Kinsey. That made a lot more sense.) I like saying or asking things for the shock value. I want people to question the status quo.

Now I've hit the point at which I am questioning whether blogging really fits into my life anymore. Probably not and if so, only minimally. Because I haven't really been missing it. I love reading what y'all have written but I just don't feel a burning need to write myself.

I think part of the problem was that, until recently, I had jobs that sucked up a lot of my time and energy. Blogging certainly didn't require that much energy on my part. And so I kind of fell into a rut. Now I have a job that doesn't seem to be such a drain. I get home and I have loads of energy. And I've been remembering the things I used to do besides reading, watching TV, and sitting in front of the computer. Like seeing movies in a theater. (The last movie I saw in a theater was The Bourne Ultimatum.) Going to comedy shows, plays, museums. Going out to dinner, to tea. Taking dance classes and other things to stop my butt from getting too flabby and unable to fit into my clothes. Spending quality time with the cats because for the first time in a long time, Natasha has started to sit on my lap in the evenings while I read or watch TV. It almost felt like she was saying, "Now that you actually have time for me..."

Omigosh! I almost forgot dating. Not that I'm going to go out with the 50-something at this point because that was all about novelty. And I have too many other things to do these days than to go on a date with some guy I wouldn't seriously consider dating. And now there's some other contenders out there.

So there's still a chance that I'll keep blogging. Just know that if I do, it will be a lot more sporadic than I used to.

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