Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Slacker of sorts

First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your comments yesterday. I know that I usually respond to each comment but I just don't have the energy. That's why I debated about even posting. And then I thought about closing comments but realized that folks would send emails anyway and then I would definitely feel like I had to respond. So thanks.

Where to start? I didn't go to Sacramento yesterday. While I completed yesterday's post, I sobbed. And then I called my aunt in Savannah (That's way too long to type repeatedly. She really needs a name.) and started to feel better. Then I called my dad's younger sister -- the one with cancer who lives in Oakland. She was talking to one of my uncles in Montgomery. She said that she would call me back and then asked if I was OK. My answer was, "Yes, I..." That's when I was suddenly wracked by another sob. I had mistakenly thought that they were done. She told me to stay on the line while she finished her conversation with her brother. In those moments, I knew that there was no way that I was driving to Sacramento alone. When she returned, she agreed. At least, she was not treated to the same level of sobbing that the other aunt had received.

And then I called my "real mom." She told me that she would call me when "dad" came home from his doctor's appointment. When she called around 1:00 pm, I told her that I had already figured that they weren't going to Sacramento.

So what did I do with my day? There were hours of intermittent sobbing which finally subsided sometime between 10 and 11. And then I felt completely drained. Boris suggested a nap. For once, I did not argue with him.

I finally worked up the nerve to call my dad around 2. He was still at the hospital and said that he would call me back. Here's the lowdown. His in-laws? Good thing I wasn't there. My dad said that he wanted to curse them out but he restrained himself. I don't have to. They already think I'm a bitch anyway. And right now I have half a mind to walk to Sacramento just so I can bitchslap a few of them.

My dad had to tell his brother-in-law to take my stepmother's mother home. Why? Because she was all hysterical in the hospital. Not that I'd expect anything different from her.

When the brother-in-law returned, he and his other sister told my dad that they would take over my stepmother's finances to help out. Huh? (This would be the point at which the bitchslapping would ensue. Friggin' ass vultures.) My dad calmly told them that as her husband, he would handle these things.

Then various friends stopped by, some of whom I know my dad can't stand. They wanted everyone to hold hands and to pray. My stepmother found this all perplexing. My dad told them that they were welcome to pray at home but praying in my stepmother's room just added to her confusion.

Onto the medical stuff. The MRI and the x-rays showed that there are now two new lesions on the left side of her brain. She periodically loses control of the right side of her body. Apparently late Sunday night she tried to go to the bathroom and fell. They know this because of the bruises -- and a little questioning. Now she's in a room closer to the nurses' station. A caseworker has been assigned. She gave my dad a list of home care providers as my stepmother will need 24 hour care. My dad has decided to use this in conjunction with his sister's help. (My dad's older sister has volunteered to come out from Georgia to help. She is well-versed in this as she was the primary caretaker for her husband as well as my grandmother for a number of years. I reassured my dad that this was OK with her.) My dad figures that his in-laws might not be happy with this but screw them. For right now my stepmother is on steroids to reduce the swelling. Today the oncologist and the neurosurgeon will come in to give their reports.

And then there's my mom. When I spoke to her earlier, she said that she had decided that I could only be so upset because of my thoughts of my father's state currently. It all gets back to the fight that I had with my mom a little over ten years ago, shortly after she was in the process of moving to Mexico. She said that she was afraid that my stepmother was replacing her (my mom) in my life. I told her then that this would never happen. It doesn't mean that once we got past our differences, that I did not start to care for my stepmother though. My stepmother may have all kinds of insecurities and she may not be the brightest in the bunch, but my dad loves her. And she has loved and supported him over the last twenty-two years during which they were married. Add in when they started dating and she's been around for thirty-two years. Not solidly for those first ten years but still. How could I not care for someone who has been in my life for that long? That would mean that I am one cold-hearted bitch. And I like to think that I'm really not. I so wish the bitch (my mother) would go to therapy. She likes to call out my stepmother's insecurities but I think my mother has just as many. It gets tiring to be trapped in the middle - and I tired of being in this spot years ago.

So now I'm just the chick with the dried-up tears on her face. Just trying to survive through life and hoping that no one pisses me off too much.

But pissing off? I'm warming up my hands for the ultimate bitchslap. My dad's in-laws also tried to make my dad feel guilty over some of the choices he has made recently concerning his wife. I told him that the last time I checked he was her husband and therefore her next of kin.

So with all the bitchassness going on in the place, my dad felt the need to escape. And that's why I'm kind of glad that I didn't go. My dad found the number of folks who showed up yesterday to be overwhelming. Of course, this is because he wanted to curse most of them out. Then again, maybe I should have been there. Because I would have cursed them out. Half of them don't like me anyway so I could really give a fuck.

And today I am going to work and going to try my best to hold it all together.

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