Thursday, July 17, 2008

Past my limit

So it happened. Tonight I snapped on my family. They have been working my last nerve all week. Idiots just didn't realize it though. Actually the family members whom I actually like did realize.

The laundry list of grievances is long and I don't have the energy to go into it right now. (I do plan to give you a list of the shit that has gone down this past week at a later time though. I promise.) Let's just say that when one of my cousin's showed up at the house this evening, she asked how I was doing. This would be the same cousin with whom I made snarky comments on Tuesday night. When I answered, "Fine," she suggested we step outside. Because she realized that I was pissed and about to tell some people off. These same people have apparently pushed my father to his limit as well. He may have mentioned the word "bitchslap." (He really likes that word since I taught it to him back in February.) OK. And maybe my father realized that something was off. He said, "You've been a little too quiet." I do that when I'm trying to not rock the boat, so to speak.

Today was the viewing of my aunt. Relatives kept asking, "Don't you want to go to the funeral home?" Ummmmm. Nope. Especially knowing that my two aunts by marriage had taken care of wardrobe and makeup. If you knew these two heifers, you would understand my reticence. They have no style. And my aunt? She had lots. I knew they had fucked her up. My mom went to the viewing early and quickly called my dad's cousin, one of my mom's best friends, to give a warning. Yes, they had indeed fucked up her clothing and makeup. They made her into who they wanted her to be instead of who she was. I knew that if I went to the viewing that I'd definitely be cursing out some folks.

And then I like a fool said yes to something that I shouldn't have. And it totally messed up my plans for the evening. I was going to sneak over to San Francisco for at least a couple of hours to check out the pre-conference stuff for BlogHer. By the time I finished with their crap, it was too late. I had mentioned to them that I had had something planned but they really didn't care. And so while I was extremely angry with them, I'm even more angry with myself. I have this one uncle who just can't seem to understand the phrase, "No, I don't have time to do that." Seems pretty straight forward to me. He thinks that you must be joking. I think that he and his wife need to get their asses on the next plane back home.

Finally around 11 p.m. I called my mom. (Yeah, scary that she's the voice of reason right now.) She mentioned that my dad's cousin has said that she will not be sitting with the rest of the family tomorrow at the service. I told my mom that I had been thinking the same. That's how done with these folks I am. Besides the service, as I realized on my drive home, is for them. They planned it all. They didn't need the input of anyone who lives locally. Actually my first thought was to not show up at all. My mother has tried to convince me that (1) I do need to show up and (2) I need to sit with the family because my father needs me. Damn. She had to play that card, didn't she?

During my drive I thought of many things. Yes, I was still so pissed off that at times, I had to wipe away the tears. First I thought about how people grieve differently. Then I had to think about how I recognized this but the asses in my family didn't really seem to. And the queen of the asses is a psychologist. What's up with that? Actually, I'll just say it. She's the one who drove me over the edge. She and her husband.

I also thought about how this is who they are, who they have always been, will always be. I'm just not sure if I want them around anymore. They've always been narrow-minded, judgmental people. I'm just kind of done with tolerating them.

My mother mentioned something else of which I had thought. If I can get through this week without the therapy, then maybe I can stop. Flying solo has been kind of tough but I like to think that I have gotten through it all pretty well. Remember? I have mad coping skills.

I guess I should try to get some sleep if I'm actually going to try to show up for the friggin' service.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts over the past week. You've been so much better than most of those folks who are supposed to be my family.

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