The tunes continue

So there's more family drama about which I could write but I need to start moving on. All I'll say is that my stepmother is back in the hospital.* She had a seizure Monday around lunchtime. I got the call while I was at work. And that was when I officially reached the point when I had nothing left in me. To say that I'm burnt would be an understatement. I looked in the mirror a few hours ago to be greeted by ugly dark circles under my eyes. And for some reason the people I see in everyday life, like at work, keep trying to make me smile. Most of the time I want to slap them.

When I get home, I spend a lot of time watching shows taped on the DVR (Reality TV is my friend.) and listening to music. Tonight -- yes, I know that it is technically morning -- I hit YouTube to listen to Two Chinese Boys. Well, more to watch them since they just do a lip sync. And through the related videos, I came across these gems.





Oh, and speaking of music, please do visit my previous post. I like to think that there are still some "easy" ones out there.

* And just when I was getting back to a normal sleep pattern, I have once more returned to my sleepless nights.

Name that tune

There are some memes that I simply cannot resist. This would be one of them. I first saw this through a post that Hilly shared and then over at her blog.

The Rules:

1. Put your mp3 player or music player on your computer on random.
2. Post the first four lines from the first 20 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song (Skip repeat artists). I decided that if one of these four lines included the song titles I would use only the lines up to that point. If it's the first line, I'll give you the four following -- in one song this meant only giving you three line. So hard this song thing.
3. Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
4. No cheating.


1. Right about now NWA court is in full effect.
Judge Dre presiding in the case of NWA versus the police department.
Prosecuting attourneys are MC Ren Ice Cube and Eazy muthafuckin E.
Order order order. Ice Cube take the muthafuckin stand.
Fuck tha Police by NWA guessed by rawdawgbuffalo

2. Light in your head and dead on your feet
Well another crazy day
You'll drink the night away
And forget about everything
Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty

3. Never thought I’d see you like this
You lookin’ good when you’re half dressed
Just let me give you one last test
Is that a sin, no
Showdown by Britney Spears

4. Purely intense amazing
Exquisitely devastating
I'm in a daze and I'm
Drenched in our moment
Safe by Bonnie Bailey

5. It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
Nearness of You by Norah Jones

6. See, first of all
I know these so-called players wouldn't tell you this
But I'm a be real and say what's on my heart
Let's take this chance and make this love feel relevant
Let's Get Married by Jagged Edge

7. My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin guessed by Bella Karma

8. It all came so easy, all the loving you gave me
The feelings we shared, and I still can remember
How your touch was so tender, it told me you cared
We had a once in a lifetime
If Ever You're in My Arms Again by Peabo Bryson title guessed by Nat

9. They're like the latest fashion
They're like a spreading disease
The kids are strappin' on their way to the classroom
Getting weapons with the greatest of ease
Come Out and Play by Offspring guessed by Nat

10. Took some time to celebrate
Just one day out of life
It would be, it would be so nice
Everybody spread the word
Holiday by Madonna guessed by Nat

11. I wanna rock right now
I'm Rob Base and I came to get down
I'm not internationally known
But I'm known to rock the microphone
It Takes Two by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock guessed by Bella Karma

12. The more you make me see
By giving me all you've got
Your love has captured me
Over and over again
The Closer I Get to You by Roberta Flack

13. I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
Brain Stew by Green Day

14. Boy I`ma make you love me, make you want me
And I`ma give you some attention, tonight
Now follow my intuitions, what you`re wishin`
See I`ma keep you up all night, for a long time
One Minute Man by Missy Elliott

15. Words in papers, words in books
Words on tv, words for crooks
Words of comfort, words of peace
Words to make the fighting cease
Wordy Rappinghood by The Tom Tom Club

16. How can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve
There's a rumor goin' all round that u ain't been gettin' served
They say that u ain't u know what
In baby who knows how long
Gett Off by Prince

17. Son you better be ready for love
On this glory day
This is your chance to believe
What I've got to say
Time Out of Mind by Steely Dan

18. Since I could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my mean
It's Been Awhile

19. You know what the Midwest is?
Young & Restless
Where restless (Niggas) might snatch your necklace
And next these (Niggas) might jack your Lexus
Jesus Walks by Kanye West

20. When your world is full of strange arrangements
And gravity won't pull you through
You know you're missing out on something
Well that something depends on you
The Look of Love by ABC artist guessed by Nat


And yeah, I know that I copied lyrics that include the "n" word. I can do that. Most or the rest of you can't. Unless you want a beatdown. And the beatdown is not being racist but someone of the paler nation using the "n" word is. Why? Because implicit in the definition of being racist is being in a position of power. Last time I checked, my people were not there so while we may be prejudiced, we are not racist. Get your terminology straight. And frankly, I have yet to meet a person who is not prejudiced in some way or another. It's what we do about our prejudices that really matters at the end of the day.

And maybe one day I'll let y'all guess what the default ringtone on my cell phone is. It surprises most folks. And that's all I'm going to say. Actually now that I think about it, I just might be willing to give out a prize to the person who can correctly guess my ringtone. Consider it the bonus question. (Sorry but I am going to disqualify Buzzgirl, Fluffycat, and Zombie Mom from a possible prize for this question as they may have actually heard the tone.)

But in the meantime, try to figure out the songs.

Seems like Nat is the winner. Guess I have to figure out a prize for her.

Daddy's girl

That's who I am, who I've always been.

This weekend was my father's birthday. My stepmother's caretaker prepared all of this wonderful Filipino food for us. My father had never had Filipino food before. I was asking, "Did you make any pancit?" Alas there was no pancit. But there was a wonderful soup with mussels and spinach. And chicken adobo and lumpia. I had thought about taking photos for y'all but I needed to eat up before it disappeared. Besides I just didn't want to go through the explanation for my stepmother. It was hard enough telling her a few times throughout the day who I am.

And then my dad and I talked.

About his crazy ass in-laws. My stepmother's sister-in-law and that woman's mother have been helping to take care of my stepmother. Last Saturday when my dad got home from my aunt's funeral, he was greeted by resignation letters from the two. Yeah, he was paying the heifers. And they said, "Well, we waited for you to get home to let you know."

About his crazy ass brother who must have been hitting a crack pipe. Before the funeral, my uncle announced that there was no need for him to fly back to Alabama when there was a perfectly good car -- my aunt's -- for him to drive back. I expected that. A few days ago, he called up my dad and said that he may as well take all of the furniture in my aunt's house when he leaves as well. What the...?

My dad said how everyone has been telling him what he should do. I told him it was too soon to make any decisions but that I'd support him in whatever his choices were.

Gosh. That felt kind of strange typing that. It seems like it should have been the other way around but that has been my relationship with both of my parents for way too many years. I am the person to whom they go when they are trying to make some sort of decision. I have done this since my teens. It's also why I think that sometimes I like to go out and act younger than my age -- or what people think that someone my age should act. A part of me has always been the grown-up. Being the grown-up is tiring. And not always all that much fun.

But back to the present. I did let my dad know my opinion about certain things. Like how I thought that some of his first thoughts were purely emotional and not the best financial decisions to make. Because between the tears, I can get all kinds of logical.

Bottom line is that my dad has some big decisions to make. That could result in some major life changes for me. That's all I'm going to say for now. I did also let him know that as far as my aunt's furniture is concerned, there is one piece that I'd really like to have. If it doesn't cause too much drama with the rest of the family.

After discussing his options for continuing care for my stepmother, we got to the other big issue. My father was sitting out on the patio with a big box. Filled with my aunt's papers. There were more inside. He said that every time he tried to go through them, he just couldn't. So I poured myself a glass of wine and proceeded to sort through the boxes of paper. Because I have the ability to realize that something is personal and quickly put it aside. My dad sees it and wants to linger. And then the emotions kick in.

I have only cried twice today. When I first awoke in the morning because that's how I start most of my days currently. And then when I speaking to one of my cousin's on the phone. I am sure that my dad could tell that I had been crying at the latter time but I did not actually cry in front of him.

And I say that maybe he didn't really notice because he was close to passing out by that time. Because while I sorted through the papers, he sat there drinking large amounts of wine and tequila. Because that's how he copes. And maybe that would be fine for someone who is not a formerly recovering alcoholic who is also diabetic. But he is those things. And seeing him sitting in that chair completely blotto took me back to my childhood. The unfulfilled promises. The time he asked me drive home from a family event and I only had a learner's permit.

I also talked with my stepmother's sister and my dad's friend about the surprise party that they have planned for tomorrow. In theory, it all sounds great. In reality, they are having a bunch of people show up at my dad's house. And large amounts of people stress out my stepmother. This of course means additional stress to my dad. My step-aunt apparently had the same reservations that I did. She said that when other people became involved, everything kind of snowballed. So we told my dad's friend how things would be. And I reminded him that if my dad ended up stressed out in any way, the people in question would have to deal with me. And no one in their right mind wants to deal with me under those circumstances. No matter how much crap I talk about my parents, I will protect them from others.

I know that I have said that I am stepping back from being the caretaker. I meant it about people other than my parents. They are why I became such a caretaker of others. While I can let go of it all for others, I just can't where my parents are concerned. Maybe I'm being a little selfish. I don't want to lose anyone else any time soon. So I will do whatever is necessary to ensure that my parents are here just a little bit longer. Within reason.

Repetition

I know that I've done this before but then I saw it at Camels & Chocolate and decided it was time to revisit the list. I am also stalling to get around to writing all the stuff that has been happening.

Let's just put it this way. I have been sleeping an average of three to four hours a night. And working fulltime. My mind and body are tired. And the crazy ass shit just keeps happening. The hard times of day? At night when I try to go to sleep but my mind suddenly starts going through all of the craziness and I can't seem to shut it off and next thing I know, it is the wee hours of the morning. Then I get hit on the other end. Mornings I wake up and realize that I need to talk to someone about all the craziness so I reach for the phone to call my aunt. (For the last eight years or so, I have talked to my aunt on a near daily basis.) And then I realize that she isn't around to talk to me. And the tears flow. Then I go on with my day and people ask how I'm doing. I say, "Fine," because I know that most of them don't really care. Or if I say anything other than that, they will freak out. I cannot tell those close to me, like my dad, how much it really hurts. I remember writing a post in the past. I'm not sure if I actually posted it but it was all about how one woman alone cannot be the mother that so many of us need and so you make up a "pie" of various people. I lost part of the pie a couple of weeks ago -- the part that taught me that it was OK to be me and that it was OK to dream.

But this is not what this post is supposed to be about so let me get on with it.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.

1) Bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE (I opted for asterisks).
4) Reprint this list in your own blog.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee**
6 The Bible - I would have bolded this but I have not read it in its entirety.
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman**
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier**
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger**
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini**
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden**
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold -- I'm still debating whether I want to read this one.
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

And yeah, some of the books are ones which I should have read for various classes over the years but didn't. I'm still not going to read them. Instead, I am currently working my way through the Stephanie Plum novels and am currently on the seventh. Then I'll hit the books that Fluffycat gave to me.

Crossing boundaries

Friday evening found me sitting on the BART platform at Powell Street waiting for a train to take me back to Berkeley. (This was after getting to meet both Sizzle and Heather B. in person.) According to the sign, my train would be showing up in two minutes. Then came the voice over the PA system. "Would the person playing around on the yellow strip on platform one, please stop. If you do not stop, I will halt all trains coming into the station." This announcement was repeated a few more times before my train arrived.

I did think to myself, "If this person doesn't stop playing around and my train ends up being delayed as a result, I will hunt them down." That yellow strip is there for a reason. There are handles near the doors on the outside of the cars. I once saw someone get smacked by one because they were on the yellow strip before the train came to a halt. But I made it onto my train and then I stopped caring about that person.

Sitting on the train, I found myself deep in thought. About how I had spent the past week with people jumping around on my personal yellow strip and how they just didn't seem to listen. And suddenly I knew that when I had shouted, "I'm done!" on Thursday night, it was a permanent, not temporary, thing.

The two things that people have said to me the most over the last week or so are, "Be strong," and "Take care of yourself." Let's start with the second. When I started going to therapy once more a few months ago, I mentioned this concept to the therapist. I've known for years what I needed to do; I just didn't want to rock the boat too much. But now I'm going to give it a try because I've always felt in my heart that it was the best thing for me. I'm finally learning how to be a little more selfish.

I remember telling my mom back when I was in college that one of the best things about getting married would be that I could change my last name. I even questioned my mom about why she did not go back to her maiden name after the divorce. She said so that we would have the same last name while I was growing up. I pointed out that she could have changed mine. She pointed out that my father and his family would have had a fit.

There's a part of me that has felt like I have never fit in with my dad's family. They're always telling you about how you can be better. Except for my dad. He just wants me to be happy. (Of course, he has also pointed out in the past that he lives in California for a reason.) The bitchassness that was displayed last week? Nothing new.

I am done with playing the role. I am done with being around people whose company makes me feel horrible. I think that for the first time in my life, I really am ready to start taking care of me. And right now, it's all kind of scary but I think that if I hold on to the idea that this is the best thing for me, in the end I'll be OK. It's time for someone else to be the family caretaker.