Keeping with the theme

So over the weekend I was reading Laurie's post on fear. To show Laurie, beyond the countless comments that were posted, that she is not alone in her fears, I decided to share a bit.

The last time I went to London was in December 2001. In the months prior to that trip my grandmother, two uncles, and a cousin died. My dad had a heart attack. I was being laid off from my job and looking for a new one. Oh yeah, and in the midst of all this was September 11. That was the day that I was supposed to be flying out of D.C. after attending the second funeral in three weeks. When I finally got on a flight home at the end of that week, I promised that the next time I got on a plane would be a pleasure trip.

I returned home and got a new job. I was also profoundly depressed. I spent most of my waking hours at home crying a great deal. Finally on a whim I checked online to see what the cost of going to London for the week after Christmas would be. People were afraid to fly so prices had dropped. All of my family worried about my taking the trip. I don't know what worried them more -- the thought of possible terrorist action or the fact that I was traveling alone.

The trip was just what I needed. I came back with a clear head and much better idea of where I wanted my life to go. I wish I could have that kind of clarity all of the time.

This past Friday was St. Patrick's Day and I am never one to shy away from a party. At the end of the evening (well, end of the evening in bar time), I went to a party with the boy. I was in a highly irritable mood. We ended up leaving almost as soon as we had arrived. Then there was the 12 or so block walk home. That gave me plenty of time to vent. When I woke up on Saturday morning, the boy was leaving with all of his stuff, including the toothbrush over which I hyperventilated a few weeks ago. My greatest fear in life is to let anyone else in. Everything else seems pretty easy compared to this. Along the way I have "learned" that they will leave you the first chance they get so it is just easier to leave them before they leave you. This behavior has led to a number of regrets over the years and I am trying my best to fight through it. I don't know if the boy is the one but he is pretty nice to me most of the time.

He called later on Saturday to see how I was doing. I told him about the job interview. He called on Sunday on my way to the interview to wish me luck. I think he has just decided to give me space while I sort everything out in my head. Who knows? Maybe he is the one because he was able to see through all of my crap. At the very least I am starting to think that perhaps they don't all leave.