Yes, it's a reappearance. Because of what you will find later in this post but more importantly because of an epiphany. And I promise that if you stick with this, there will be some fluffy stuff at the end.
Over the last few months, y'all have been on a roller coaster ride with me -- even if you didn't know it. It started when I was laid off from my job. As a result, my medical benefits ended at the end of August. It wasn't the loss of the ability to see doctors that was necessarily so dangerous but the loss of my prescription plan. Because without that one prescription, my world can be temporarily off-kilter.
Because others have been willing to step out on the limb (and I admire these women greatly), I think it's time that I did. At times I have made jokes about the term "5150" with folks who I know in person. Many of them don't know the truth. Like Jade and Emerald do.
On with the real story. I know about this because in my 20s I was subject to this twice. (Every now and then I look at the faint scar on my wrist. No one else can see it at this point but I know where it is. I look at it when I feel beat up by the world and I remind myself that no one else can do anything worse to me than I have already done to myself previously. And I survived that. Doesn't mean that I don't get pissed off with the rest of the world though.) Well, there would have been a third time but the doctor determined that I was a little too intelligent and could talk my way out when I was ready to leave. It may have helped that I stated my intention to return to therapy. And that year of therapy was a major turning point in my life. I promised myself that it was OK to live life on my terms and not something defined by someone else -- especially someone who doesn't even know me. (Part of my earlier years of therapy involved body image but that's another story.)
But then I hit my 30s and realized that the thoughts were still there. And sometimes they were stronger than at other times. And then I realized there was a pattern to it all. Every time I was feeling suicidal coincided with the week before my period/the first day of my period. (And over the years the feeling to harm myself has been replaced by the feeling to lash out at others.) So I went to the gynecologist and asked. She did some tests and prescribed birth control pills to level out my hormone levels. For the first time in my life, I no longer had debilitating cramps. (One time in my 20s the cramps were so severe that after throwing up -- a common response to pain -- I curled up into the fetal position and cried -- on the floor of a public bathroom. And I didn't think, "Ewwww. Public bathroom floor." Instead I thought, "The tile feels so cool and comforting." And the way that I figure it, you're in a bad place if that is your dominant thought.) And according to my mother, my mood swings were less severe; I became a lot more pleasant. Of course (I love the woman dearly and continue to talk to her on a near daily basis.), there's a part of me that wonders if "pleasant" really means "agreeable." Because the bottom line is that when I'm feeling hormonal, aside from the self-destructive tendencies, I tend to be more honest with people. It's not that I say things that I haven't thought of at times. It's more like the loss of my super ego.
So when my insurance ended, so did my prescription. It was like going cold turkey. I thought of this last night as I looked back over the last week and realized how much I have been biting the heads off of people. That was the beauty of the pill. I had a daily reminder of when the "bad times" would come. Now I have to rely upon my calendar once more. Because I have a near regular cycle, give or take a day or two. But that day or two can mean the world. When on the pill, I could manipulate things so that the really bad days occurred when I did not have to interact with people if I so chose. (That would be the weekend because I gave up missing out on school/work after graduating from high school. But back then I did not know the joy of ibuprofen and so chose to throw up in private.) Well, I shouldn't have to now. I've had health insurance, once more, since December. Time to call the doctor. (Crap. Now I have Kool Moe Dee stuck in my head. Although it's for a different reason.)
And I thought of all of this because I am hormonal. I desperately wanted fried fish this past weekend. When the shop was closed, I was ready to accept Popeye's chicken. And then it dawned on me that I was hormonal and all I wanted was something salty-greasy-crunchy. So I went home and made some nachos. But today I will have fried fish. Because I'm at work even though I probably shouldn't be. Because even though I've taken the 800 mg of ibuprofen, I still feel the need to snap someone's head off. Thank goodness it's Friday. And thank goodness my boss told me a couple of days ago, before he left town, that if things are slow today that I can leave early. And that's why I dragged my butt into work today.
And now the fluff. Have I mentioned what a quiz junkie I can be? That's why I love OkCupid. So when I saw this quiz, I just had to take it. It also reminded me that in my sojourn, I am supposed to be re-reading
The Tao of Pooh as it always helps me in becoming more centered. (Maybe this weekend while I consume fatty foods and watch chick flicks. Because that's how I like to take care of myself.) And while I haven't been writing of late, I have been reading blogs -- selectively. I had gone a little overboard and needed to reel things back in.
Your Score: Tigger
You scored 21 Ego, 10 Anxiety, and 17 Agency!
And as they went, Tigger told Roo (who wanted to know)
all about the things that Tiggers could do.
"Can they fly?" asked Roo.
"Yes," said Tigger, "they're very good flyers, Tiggers
are. Strornry good flyers."
"Oo!" said Roo. "Can they fly as well as Owl?"
"Yes," said Tigger. "Only they don't want to."
"Why don't they want to?" well, they just don't like it
somehow."
Roo couldn't understand this, because he thought it
would be lovely to be able to fly, but Tigger said it was
difficult to explain to anybody who wasn't a Tigger himself.
You scored as Tigger!
ABOUT TIGGER: Tigger is the newest addition to the Hundred Acre Wood, and he lives with Kanga and Roo, because Roo's strengthening medicine turned out to be the thing that Tiggers like best. Tigger is bouncy and confident -some of his friends think he is a little TOO bouncy and confident, but attempts to unbounce him tend to be fruitless.
WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT YOU: You are a positive and confident person. You feel capable of dealing with anything and everything, and funnily enough, you usually ARE. You don't worry about much, and you love to go out and find new adventures.
Your friends and family might sometimes be a little exasperated by your boundless enthusiasm. You don't like to admit your mistakes, and when you find yourself in over you head, you tend to bluff your way out of things. You would be surprised, however, at how happy the people around you would be if you would actually admit to a mistake. It would make you seem more human, somehow.
And so I guess that I'm not gone quite yet.
