Thursday, March 6, 2008

Your new assignment

I used to be really good at keeping track of things. Perhaps these last few months the lack of my ability to do such is a sign of all the other turmoil in my life. So here's where y'all come in.

Your assignment is to give me a reminder in three weeks. (Yes, I am quite aware that I did not include the words "if you should choose to accept it." Guess what? It's not optional.) You are to tell me, "You may suddenly be feeling the need to bitchslap every person who even slightly irritates you. This is not really you speaking but instead is a result of the hormones coursing through your body at this time."

Why the assignment? Because earlier this week, I noticed that I was feeling kind of pudgy. I meant to check the calendar and then promptly forgot to do such. When I felt a little snappish at work, I once more thought to check the calendar but then excused my behavior because everyone at work expects me to be a little stressed out right now. (More about that at a later date.) I should have known when I went into Safeway earlier this week and felt the sudden urge to hit the frozen food aisle for the first time in months. I should have known when I awoke this morning and realized that I was hungry. I know this sounds normal but the next may not. I decided that the perfect breakfast would be a microwave pepperoni pizza and some lemonade. Seriously.

And then it all fell into place tonight. When I suddenly had the urge to go to the bathroom while shopping at Barnes and Noble. I had no supplies and the machine was broken. I quickly gathered my purchases and headed out. So much for a stop at Ann Taylor Loft while I was in the area. And then all these no driving beyotches had to cross my path on the way home that made me briefly flash upon the image of Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes. But they were probably older than I.

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