First of all, I must say that those months of deep-cleaning, organizing, and purging have paid off. This weekend hit and I realized that things were a mess. But it took me almost time at all to set things straight. I think the longest amount of time was spent doing laundry. So I guess I'm starting to feel a little more under control.
And Sunday afternoon as I walked to Andronico's, I realized something. I used to walk a great deal more when I first moved into my apartment. Maybe it was the novelty of the neighborhood. Many days I drive to Andronico's on my way home from somewhere else. I used to drive home and then walk to Andronico's. So on Sunday, after leaving the laundromat, I drove home first and then later walked to the grocery store. And it made me feel a bit better.
When I lived in San Francisco, I had a Sunday routine. I would get up early and clean. The last part of the cleaning was the refrigerator. I would take stock of the staples that were low. Then I would look through cookbooks and magazines to decide if there was something in particular I wanted to cook for the week. I would then add the "missing" items to my shopping list and head out. After re-stocking the kitchen, I would go out to do laundry, if necessary. And then it was back home to cook. And to relax.
And why all of this? Because I've gained 5-10 pounds in the three years I have lived here. And most of it is around my midsection. So not attractive. I have always said that I had no issue with gaining weight if it was proportionate. But this hasn't been and I'm pissed. And I know that many women would be thrilled to be able to wear a size 4 but most of my wardrobe is actually size 2 with a few pieces that are smaller.
I have a small frame so that excess weight around the middle? Makes me look two to three months pregnant. Really. I worked with a woman who has a similar build and my stomach now looks the same as hers did when she was about three months pregnant.
And yes, I realize that now I am finally in the "normal" range of BMI. I've just gotten used to being underweight because I've been there for way too many years.
There's also some whole other stress as well. A few months ago, there was problems with my Thrive membership because of a missed payment from my job. As I was cleaning up over the weekend, I found yet another letter from Thrive saying that I was no longer a member. I need to call tomorrow morning to check my membership status. Because I might have to cancel my appointment for Tuesday. Which is such bullshit.
Thankfully I've done the therapy thing before. And so I also spent the weekend going over things in my head. I'm burnt because between work and family, my world seems to be filled with people who only know how to say, "I need." (When I go to get my hair done, my stylist always asks what I've heard from this one cousin of mine. My response is, "Apparently she has needed anything lately since that's the only time she ever calls." I realized this a few years ago and just stopped making the effort.) I expect it at work. But at the end of the day, I need something other than that.
Case in point is that my dad's older sister made a huge point of telling me at the end of this past week that I need to do something special for my dad for Father's Day this year. I explained to her that with the exception of last year when I was at Kate's wedding, I always do something special for my dad. My birthday usually falls about a week after Father's Day. I get a check in the mail and a promise of dinner for my birthday. And yeah, it kind of pisses me off. Especially when I hear tales of my dad and stepmother heading down to the Bay Area for my stepbrother's birthday to take him out to dinner. Then again my stepbrother doesn't have a lot of friends so if they didn't show up, he probably would spend his birthday alone. Unlike me. Because when my family has not come through, my friends have always been there.
This rediscovery (I've recognized this in the past. I just temporarily forgot.) has helped a great deal in my mental state. As a result, I have stopped talking to family as much as I had over the past few months. I was just starting to feel like they are sucking me dry. Every now and then they ask how I am but it feels like one of those pleasantries of conversation. And even if it isn't, I know them. To say that I feel like crap is me being selfish once more.
I got evidence of this over the weekend when my aunt asked me if I was coming to the family reunion this summer. Ummm. Nope. I explained to her that plane tickets are expensive and I only get so much vacation time a year. And this year I have decided to use my vacation time doing things that I want to do, not what someone else tells me that I should do. There is a part of me that is somewhat happy after spending time with my mom or my dad and his family. But during the whole experience, I am near miserable. And part of the reason why I want to hold back on my time is that my mother's mother turns 85 tomorrow. I haven't seen her in over three years. And spending time with my grandma and the rest of my mother's family is always a positive thing. Maybe I'll go there for Christmas this year.
And now for other things. Do any of you watch "CSI" -- the original one? What is up with that season finale? Because besides doing all of the above chores, I also did some reading and caught up on stuff on my DVR.
Oh, and there will be proof later in the week that I'm really crawling out of the hole.
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