I know you have all been waiting to hear what's going on with my stepmother. Yesterday she had her various doctors' appointments. The first was with the neurologist. The largest of the tumors in her brain is the size of an egg. Two others are the size of quarters and the other two are smaller. The neurologist recommended radiation since surgery would cause permanent damage -- definitely to her memory and possibly to her motor skills. She started radiation immediately following the appointment. In the afternoon she met with her GP and her oncologist. The oncologist wants to add on chemo to the radiation treatment. None of the treatment plan is a surprise to me thanks to the internet. So now I'll take a deep breath. She's stage 4 and the cancer started in her lungs. I talked to my mom last night immediately after talking to my dad. Actually I had been on the phone with my mom when my dad called. As soon as I hung up from my dad's call, I called my mom back. My mom and I are concerned that my stepmother has a defeatist attitude. My mom and I would never suffer from this because we are fighters. There's a part of me that says I should cry but I rarely cry. So I have been sitting around trying to force myself to cry because I know that if I hold it in, it will come out at an inopportune moment. I also know that I need to start scheduling some "mental health" days for myself from work. (Other folks may call these "sick days." And yes, that is one of the joys of teaching -- the ability to schedule a sick day in advance.) I had a long and realistic talk with my aunt -- not the one with cancer -- about my stepmother. She finally said that she believed that my stepmother's condition is terminal. Now this is the aunt to whom I was talking when I had the meltdown. What a relief to say that part of my meltdown was holding in the opinion that my stepmother's condition could very well be terminal from the various people around me. It was like a huge weight being lifted.
Speaking of huge weights being lifted, I came home last night with the most energy I have had in some time. That means that when Sports Guy called, I let him have it. Well, in a calm, dignified way. He was babbling about something and I said, "I just wanted to let you know that this is the last phone call that I will be accepting from you. You realize that I was majorly pissed off with you over this weekend and the feeling has not diminished? As such, I just do not think it is in my best interest to continue contact with you." (And of course, the idiot has called twice since then. Some crap about giving me space. Yes, I need space -- permanently.) And like magic Kate, my college roomie, called. So of course I had to hang up. Because we needed to discuss her upcoming wedding. Apparently I will be wearing some shade of blue because her fiance is color blind. She is still trying to determine the exact shade. Crap! I just remembered that I need to timeline the whole wedding planning thing for her since the wedding will apparently be happening in May. Any of you folks in the SoCal area who have insight for anything wedding related (e.g. flowers, caterer, etc.), please drop me a line so I can pass on the info.
And it is official. I am now hated by a small number of my students. Yesterday I did not send them out for timeout. Instead I took down names. (When I am feeling exceptionally cruel, I start singing "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" in my head.) The naughty kids were forced to spend morning recess in the classroom with me. I handed them reflection forms and told them that I would not tell them why I had made them stay in. Instead they needed to reflect and write down why. One kid wrote that he had done "nothing." I told him to erase his answers and to reflect some more on his behavior. They started yelling that I was mean and that my class wasn't fun. This would be the boys because somehow they had not figured out that it was better to do their time in silence like the girls had. Those boys ended up losing their next recess as well. By the afternoon, most of them were quite repentant. Those who weren't? Well, I promised them that we would repeat it all again today and every day until they got with the program.
Despite all the crap in my personal life, or maybe in spite of, I suddenly feel empowered. Ready to take the world by storm. Ready to turn the world on with my smile. OK. That was hokey, but you know what I mean.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Is it wrong?
So I am writing this post as I am listening to Sports Guy drone on about his life. I told him how I am feeling mentally and emotionally drained. So he started off on his tirade about himself. Because this is what he does best. No, I haven't seen him. No, I have not found the energy to tell him to stop calling. The last few days I have been letting his calls go to voicemail but I decided to take this one because I thought that I actually had the energy to tell him to not call anymore.
And today all I could think was, "How many days until mid-winter break?" (Mid-winter break would be the week of President's Day. Around here it is also known as Ski Week.) Then I found out that we have a "retreat" (an in-service day) next Friday. Do you know how excited I am? A workday with no kids?
Oh, and I had a slight meltdown on my aunt tonight. She called because she visited my classroom earlier this week. She had some ideas for how I could change my room around. That's when the meltdown hit. Because that was when I realized that I was emotionally and mentally fried. As I started trying to think about when I could do all of this in my busy schedule, I started to cry. I told my aunt that I feel exhausted. My aunt asked me to call her back when I'm not so fried. I'm thinking it may be time to start going to Thrive again.
And yes, I am still on the phone with Sports Guy. It's been a lot of "uh huh" on my side of the conversation because that's all that's required. He asked what I was typing. I told him emails. He seemed to think that I was working on a blog post. Don't know why he would think that.
And today all I could think was, "How many days until mid-winter break?" (Mid-winter break would be the week of President's Day. Around here it is also known as Ski Week.) Then I found out that we have a "retreat" (an in-service day) next Friday. Do you know how excited I am? A workday with no kids?
Oh, and I had a slight meltdown on my aunt tonight. She called because she visited my classroom earlier this week. She had some ideas for how I could change my room around. That's when the meltdown hit. Because that was when I realized that I was emotionally and mentally fried. As I started trying to think about when I could do all of this in my busy schedule, I started to cry. I told my aunt that I feel exhausted. My aunt asked me to call her back when I'm not so fried. I'm thinking it may be time to start going to Thrive again.
And yes, I am still on the phone with Sports Guy. It's been a lot of "uh huh" on my side of the conversation because that's all that's required. He asked what I was typing. I told him emails. He seemed to think that I was working on a blog post. Don't know why he would think that.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Dealing with an idiot
Sports Guy decided to call me yet once more last night. He had the audacity to say that he had spent the previous day trying to think of ways that he could be supportive during this tough time for me. Huh? WTF???
Fortunately I was well-rested by the time I received this phone call. I told him for starters he might start by not calling when I am asleep. His response? "Did I do that?" Ummm, yeah. I reminded him of the three phone calls on Friday and that I had specifically said in the first conversation that I had been asleep and would be going back to sleep. I told him by the third phone call -- the one I let go to voicemail -- I was livid. He apologized and said that he could understand my feeling. I told him it was a shitty thing to do.
I then mentioned the two phone calls on Saturday that basically consisted of him repeatedly saying, "I don't like it when you're not around." I told him that I found these statements to be extremely selfish.
His next statement? "How can I make it up to you?" He suggested picking up some take-out and bringing it over or taking me out to dinner. I told him that I had plans for the evening -- a lie -- and that I had to get going. I did say "good bye" but I believe he may have still been speaking when I hung up the phone.
My aunts were questioning whether I wanted to give him another chance. My way of thinking has always been that people show their true colors at stressful times. I am very good at taking care of other people at these times. However, I cannot tolerate a person whom I barely know demanding that I take care of him as well. Sorry, but that little bit of energy I have left is for me.
So last night, I had a glass of red wine, curled up with the cats, watched some TV, and did a little knitting. Mentally I feel much better today. Now if I could only get rid of this cold that seems to be starting.
Fortunately I was well-rested by the time I received this phone call. I told him for starters he might start by not calling when I am asleep. His response? "Did I do that?" Ummm, yeah. I reminded him of the three phone calls on Friday and that I had specifically said in the first conversation that I had been asleep and would be going back to sleep. I told him by the third phone call -- the one I let go to voicemail -- I was livid. He apologized and said that he could understand my feeling. I told him it was a shitty thing to do.
I then mentioned the two phone calls on Saturday that basically consisted of him repeatedly saying, "I don't like it when you're not around." I told him that I found these statements to be extremely selfish.
His next statement? "How can I make it up to you?" He suggested picking up some take-out and bringing it over or taking me out to dinner. I told him that I had plans for the evening -- a lie -- and that I had to get going. I did say "good bye" but I believe he may have still been speaking when I hung up the phone.
My aunts were questioning whether I wanted to give him another chance. My way of thinking has always been that people show their true colors at stressful times. I am very good at taking care of other people at these times. However, I cannot tolerate a person whom I barely know demanding that I take care of him as well. Sorry, but that little bit of energy I have left is for me.
So last night, I had a glass of red wine, curled up with the cats, watched some TV, and did a little knitting. Mentally I feel much better today. Now if I could only get rid of this cold that seems to be starting.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
In a mood
Well, trust my dad to get things slightly wrong. As it turns out, the brain thing with my stepmother is not a tumor; it's lesions. Five of them to be exact. So we were a little relieved because we all thought, "Well, lesions can be caused by strokes." Then the doctors kind of burst our bubbles. As I stated earlier, there is also a spot on her lung. The doctors were going to do a biopsy on her lung yesterday but were unable to. Apparently they could not reach the spot due to the reconstruction surgery following her breast cancer. The doctors said that that was OK though because they would just do a liver biopsy instead. WTF???? Apparently there are also a couple of spots on her liver as well. The doctors think that all three are related. So now we just have to wait to hear the biopsy results.
On other fronts, I feel like bitchslapping Sports Guy. I'll probably just rip him a new one instead. I was at work until 5:30 last night. By the time I got home, I decided that I really was not in the mood to face holiday traffic north and would just get up early this morning. (I'll be heading out shortly after I post this.) Sports Guy called me around 7:20 last night. I had dozed off while watching TV; this whole week has been kind of draining. Now I don't usually sleep much but when I do, do not disturb me. I can be one evil wench if you do. So after telling him that I was still at home and that I had no intention of heading out, I then told him that I had been asleep and would like to return to sleep. 30 minutes later, just as I was slipping back into dreamland, my phone rang again. Seems he wanted to chitchat. I quickly got him off the phone and turned my phone to vibrate. An hour later, my phone was vibrating. (I had not gone back to sleep yet.) Yep. It was him again. I let it rollover to voicemail. I think to say that I was pissed off at that moment would be rather mild. Bottom line -- he may need to go, and soon.
On other fronts, I feel like bitchslapping Sports Guy. I'll probably just rip him a new one instead. I was at work until 5:30 last night. By the time I got home, I decided that I really was not in the mood to face holiday traffic north and would just get up early this morning. (I'll be heading out shortly after I post this.) Sports Guy called me around 7:20 last night. I had dozed off while watching TV; this whole week has been kind of draining. Now I don't usually sleep much but when I do, do not disturb me. I can be one evil wench if you do. So after telling him that I was still at home and that I had no intention of heading out, I then told him that I had been asleep and would like to return to sleep. 30 minutes later, just as I was slipping back into dreamland, my phone rang again. Seems he wanted to chitchat. I quickly got him off the phone and turned my phone to vibrate. An hour later, my phone was vibrating. (I had not gone back to sleep yet.) Yep. It was him again. I let it rollover to voicemail. I think to say that I was pissed off at that moment would be rather mild. Bottom line -- he may need to go, and soon.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
When it rains, it pours
I am going to keep it brief this time.
The good news is that my aunt seems to be responding to the chemo. the bad news is that my stepmother was admitted to the hospital today. She has been having memory problems recently. They found on the MRI that she has a tumor in her brain. Oh, and there's some sort of spot on her lung. So they're running more tests.
I plan to go into work tomorrow and to let the principal know what's going on because I figure there's a chance that I might need to take some time off from work.
On a positive note, things seem to be going OK with Sports Guy. I'm waiting for him to show up. He came by last night and managed to forget his cellphone. Knowing him, he's waiting until 7, his usual calling time, to come by and to pick it up. He'd better do it tonight because tomorrow I head to Sack of Tomatoes after work.
The good news is that my aunt seems to be responding to the chemo. the bad news is that my stepmother was admitted to the hospital today. She has been having memory problems recently. They found on the MRI that she has a tumor in her brain. Oh, and there's some sort of spot on her lung. So they're running more tests.
I plan to go into work tomorrow and to let the principal know what's going on because I figure there's a chance that I might need to take some time off from work.
On a positive note, things seem to be going OK with Sports Guy. I'm waiting for him to show up. He came by last night and managed to forget his cellphone. Knowing him, he's waiting until 7, his usual calling time, to come by and to pick it up. He'd better do it tonight because tomorrow I head to Sack of Tomatoes after work.
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