Monday, August 21, 2006

Feeling a little blue

Every now and then I get into these moods. Some would say it's very Cancerian of me. I don't know what it is. It's just something that happens every now and then. Of course, it usually occurs the day after I have gone out. Sometimes not, but usually.

What happens when I go out is that I see all these couples. It seems the world is full of them. And then I am reminded that I am not part of one. It's just me and the cats. Then I think that perhaps my joke is becoming the truth -- that I am destined to be one of those crazy old ladies with a bunch of cats.

Up until age 30 or so, I had a plan. I would finish school, get married, and have three kids. Yes, I had planned on the number of kids. The key to this all was that the marriage needed to be near age 30 because I didn't want to be too old when I started having the three kids. And no, having one was not an option. I am an only child and know what it's like. I don't think that I've ever met an only child who intentionally planned on only having one child. So the marriage never happened. And kids? Well I've always believed that you need to be in a committed relationship before you start having kids. I think that's one of those quirks of having divorced parents.

Over the years, I have learned to let go of the plan. It's much easier to do that. If I didn't, then I'd start blaming myself because it is so obviously a demonstration of my failure that I did not meet those goals. And then I cry. Because I start thinking that I have screwed up my life beyond repair. This is how I spent most of Sunday.

So today I packed up some stuff and headed to school. Hey, my social life may seemed screwed up but I do have my dream job. I also started thinking about other things I could do with my time. Like maybe start hanging out in places where the people a little more like me -- a little older but with their stuff together. Because other than the lapses in my social life, I like to think that I am pretty together. And tonight I'm off to do something that I haven't done in a long time but absolutely love. I am off to watch a baseball game with one of my new coworkers. Because maybe this is a new start.

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