Thursday, August 9, 2007

101 Ways

Perhaps that number is too low, perhaps too high. It just seemed like a good way to start this post. (And yeah, I spoke too soon about the possibility of food. Perhaps tomorrow.)

If you ask the Drama Queen, I am in desperate need of more therapy. Funny thing is that when I told her yesterday about a conversation with my cousin who wanted me to take one of her kids for the next school year in which I told my cousin that she should seek therapy, the Drama Queen asked, "And what about therapy for yourself? Funny how we can see the need in others but not ourselves." Surprisingly my tongue is not bruised. Because all I could think was how much the Drama Queen was in need of therapy. Hell. If she had gotten therapy long ago, then perhaps I would not have needed mine.

But how does the title fit, you ask? That would be the number of ways in which one could kill one's self. But I'd never do that. Thanks to those years of therapy. It's just that I hit near bottom yesterday and started to toy with the idea.

Yesterday evening I strolled out to the mailbox sporting my pajama pants and a hoodie. At least me hair looked OK due to my appointment on Tuesday. On my way in, I flipped through the mail. The first thing I noticed was a thin envelope from my former employer. I knew what it said. I verified the contents once I was back in my apartment and seated. They were not hiring me. I dealt with two months of crap from these folks and they didn't want to hire me. Part of me was grateful to not have to work with these people. But most of me was really hurt. 2007 has been a really bad year and this was the last thing I needed to be added into the equation.

And so after the first shock-filled phone calls to my parents (They asked how I was; I stated "numb."), I quickly poured myself a glass or wine and then started to cry. How could I not? I had invested two months of my life into these people.

But now I'm better. I'm just pissed off as hell. What kind of person could do that to someone else? I know that karma will take care of them.

So now I'm just going to pick myself up yet again and to try to figure out how to go on. But first I think I might spend a day wrapped in the cocoon of my comforter.

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