Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A new approach

Over the last few years, I have made some really crappy dating choices. This was after taking two years or so off from dating. One could argue it was my lack of recent practice that made me make these bad choices. The thing is that I took the break because I had been making even worse choices.

During the break, I met a guy who I thought was wonderful. But I wasn't ready to date yet. I told him that I had decided that even though I thought the guys were jerks, they had one thing in common -- me. Well, and the fact that I kept picking them.

When I have dated a guy, it has ended up being this all-encompassing thing in which I end up feeling like I'm drowning. I decided to take a different approach this time around. And it hasn't been easy. Because underneath all the "I will crush you under my heel and take over the world" bravado, still lives the shy, insecure girl. The one who starts doubting the feelings of others unless it is heard on a daily basis. And this is what probably why I allowed myself to be sucked into those bad relationships.

So now I hyperventilate for a completely different reason. I start thinking, "It's been a couple of days since I've heard from him. He's about to dump me." And then I want to pick up the phone and call him because in my irrational mind, that's just the thing to do. (And I know that I shouldn't because the problem in his last two relationships was that the women were too clingy.) But instead, I've been picking up the phone and calling Jade, Emerald, or Kate. And they make me go through the litany of why my thoughts are more than likely irrational.

And then I start thinking that maybe I am a grown-up after all.

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