Twisted outlook

Thursday night I called my aunt in Savannah. (Damn. I need to get a name for her.) She was just arriving home from "getting her social skills on."

At one point in the conversation, as we were discussing my age and my desire to hit Savannah this summer, she asked, "What do you wear these days? A six?"

"Shoot me if I ever have to wear a six." Yep. Said it without hesitation.

"No. You're kidding me ..."

"Yes, I still wear size two or four. Well, only fours in pants."

"Oh, you are a diva."

"Been trying to tell you folks for years that I am. And if I come to Savannah, I will be sporting short skirts. And your sister can ask me, 'Why are you wearing that?' And I will answer, 'Because I can.'"

(Oh, and her sister? Owns a restaurant in Savannah. The place she owned in the 90s was featured in Southern Living. So maybe y'all can understand how I get a bit picky about so-called Southern cooking. It was also in the new restaurant that my aunt met with up with Wanda who was there for a meal.)

"I have a couple of size zeros that I should give you."

"Zeros?? I do have a couple of size ones in the closet but ever since I discovered the joy of wine, I have not even tried to get my fat ass into those things. Because alcohol? The only reason why I have gained any weight."

"You do have small bones."

So yeah, I have friends of all sizes and they are all beautiful in my eyes. But myself? The thought of wearing anything larger than a four terrifies me. Because I've never known anything else. I can look at a size twelve woman and think that she is beautiful. But when I try to imagine myself at that size, I start to hyperventilate.

Now I know that some of y'all have been going through the weight loss process. And at least one of y'all has discussed not being comfortable with her new body size because all she can see is her former self. Well, that's how I feel when I try to imagine myself with more pounds.

At least I now weigh enough that doctors have stopped thinking that I have an eating disorder. Well, that is until I mention my desire to drop about five pounds. Because I'd really like to be able to wear those couple of ones in my closet again. And yeah, I know that's pretty twisted. But they're really cute dresses.